Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
