I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
