I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The adults are the big ones right?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
