And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Randomize
