i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
