Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
he shaved USA in his pubs
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
