6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
