shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
