sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
