i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
