woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
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