I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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