She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
