if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My bed smells like the plague
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
