Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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