I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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