Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
