plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
the condom got lost in my hair
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
foreskin is a definite game changer
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
