I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Randomize
