I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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