I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
