I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
