she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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