my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
