she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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