she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
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Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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