totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
