Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
