I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
