I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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