my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
