I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I think a kid would responsible me up
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
