first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
