If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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