I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
