Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
