It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
