I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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