Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
