We need to start having sex underwater more often.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
