new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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