o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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