My liver just broke up with me...
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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