Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
