i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
