Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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