He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
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