my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
