I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
