yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
