Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
