How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
