remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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