Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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