Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
