My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
