Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
