oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
