M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Mom said you looked used
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
