Will you blow on my dice?
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
This couple is walking their pig around campus
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
